Scrambling

So my car is done. Not worth fixing, not worth anything.

And then the brakes went out in my work truck while I was driving.

And that's just the ongoing car drama in my life.

I keep telling myself that I'm lucky. Everyone I love is healthy and well. I have a decent job and I can afford (sort of) to take a little time to figure this out. It's not the end of the world, not even close.

I'm working to develop a plan. I'm figuring out what my options are. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

So why do I just want to crawl into a hole and hide?

Doing Hard Things

I'm bad at emotions. To anyone who knows me, that's not really a surprise. I am a doer and fixer and worker, but when it comes to processing all that touchy-feely-weird crap, I really have no idea what to do. Most of the time, that's ok. I tend to only invest emotions into situations I care deeply about, and those are few and far between.

The past year and a half has been an exercise in processing emotions for me.

After a horrific trip to California last year, I realized I need to start all over in order to be the person I want to be. I had to address basic character deficiencies and learn to be strong enough to take the life I wanted. It was a humbling and wrenching experience, but I am thankful for it. I've come out stronger than I was before and happier with who I am as a person.

I'm finding myself in another difficult situation.

I've made the best decisions I can with the information I have at hand. I am confident that the decisions are in the best interests of everyone involved. I know that people I greatly respect and admire look down on me for those decisions.

And so again, I am dealing with those pesky emotions. I don't have a long road trip through Nevada to just sit and think things through, so I am forcing myself to use the time I have to directly address the issue. In order to move forward as a healthy, functioning adult, I have to determine why I feel this way and what I can do to change it or otherwise live with it.

I refuse to be emotionally crippled through the actions of people I cannot control. Instead, I am working backwards through the different threads of emotion and sorting out the tangle into something manageable. It doesn't come naturally to me and it isn't a pleasant process. I have to say things that I know are completely irrational, but accept them because they express an emotion that I'd rather not feel. I have to say "I blame X for this," even when I rationally know that it isn't X's fault.

I can't lie and say it's fun. Character building is the pits, no two ways about it. I will say that I know that once I'm through to the other side, I will again be a happier and stronger person, that much closer to the person that I want to be.

Community

Sometimes I really hate Idaho. The blistering hot summers, the nasty cold winters, the complete lack of precipitation, the raging fires and corresponding smoke in the summers. Couple that with the fact that it's the most remote capital city in the 48 states and toss in the part about being young...

It translates to me watching most of my friends move through the transitional phase of life by moving out of mine. I have roots here--my family lives here. Brent's family lives here. What we lack in mobility we make up in stability. I have a safety net for emotional, financial, or physical needs.

I guess it always amuses me when I hear the trendy leaders of the day harp on "community" over and over. The people who talk about it most understand it the least. Community isn't something you just make. It's something that's woven together, year after year, generation by generation. You don't just get a group of people together and say "Voila! Community!"

Instead, it's built around those roots that hold me down. I realize I may never live outside of this valley of irritating temperature extremes and piss poor air quality. I know my friends have cool adventures in new places and never come back. I also know that the level of stability I have here is something a transient lifestyle will never accommodate.

I hate being hot all the time in the summer and cold all the time in the winter, but I'm surrounded by a group of people that faces the same challenges beside me. Our shared struggles build bonds that electronic communication and world travelling can never touch.

A New Avenue

I'm at this very odd juncture in life wherein nothing is going the way it's supposed to. Thanks to my past couple years of solid character building, I am not blaming myself and I am able to roll with the punches.

I'm trying to understand why I am where I'm at. I'm trying to learn what I need to know from this season of life. It's not the most fun thing ever.

I'm learning that life is fragile.

That plans go up in smoke.

That ideas are dangerous.

And that love is worth every minute.

The things I planned on and wanted haven't and won't materialize. I thought I would be more upset about it, but I've learned to rest in the uncertainty. Instead of beating my head against a closed door, I'm looking for the next option. I'm content to wait for it to come to me, as long as I feel I have done due diligence in making myself open to new ideas.

Where is my summer going? I don't know. I don't ride every day any more. I'm no longer a barn manager. My beloved horse is on a vacation that I think he may never come back from.

But I'm a licensed groom at the racetrack. I'm exploring friendships that I let slide before. I'm giving myself permission to step back and see what happens.

It's not what I planned on, not what I expected, certainly not what I wanted. But you know what? It's ok.