Influence

I'm a shy introvert at heart. I don't like asking for things for myself and I don't like speaking up in public. I've been working hard to become stronger in those areas because I reject the mindset that woman are wilting heroines straight out of Victorian literature.

I was raised in a social subset that tried to teach that women were subservient objects, only good for reproducing and cooking, not thinking or talking or (heaven forbid!) learning and working. I'm forever thankful that my reactionary mother revolted against those notions and that my dad supported her, because it made it that much easier for me to break the mold.

Now I set as role models women who are educated, hard working, assertive, and confident. They know what they want and go after it, regardless of set backs. I've started to learn that what looks like confidence is really more the strength to push through their insecurities.

Throughout this process, I've been reading. This article and this article, talking about how women consent and assent without standing up for themselves are what I've come across recently. I think these women are addressing timely and pertinent issues, especially as they relate to the culture I come out of. (I can go on and on about Victoriana vs a realistic model for women, but that's another post for another day).

Regardless. It inspired me. I may never be famous or influential on a regional or national scene, but I can wield what influence I have in my own sphere. Instead of thinking my gender is some sort of tragic accident that keeps me from having opinions or value to my culture, I can step forward with Eowyn and say, "I am no man."

It's not a flaw. It's a strength.

I'm working on polishing up a manuscript I hope to submit to be published. It features a strong female character finding her way in life. I want her to be the first of a lineup of heroines that I write. They can be different--shy, outgoing, happy, melancholy, brave, fearful, but throughout, I want them to be women to respect. Women who set a standard for what we can become.

Women like those who surround and inspire me on a daily basis.

A New Avenue

I'm at this very odd juncture in life wherein nothing is going the way it's supposed to. Thanks to my past couple years of solid character building, I am not blaming myself and I am able to roll with the punches.

I'm trying to understand why I am where I'm at. I'm trying to learn what I need to know from this season of life. It's not the most fun thing ever.

I'm learning that life is fragile.

That plans go up in smoke.

That ideas are dangerous.

And that love is worth every minute.

The things I planned on and wanted haven't and won't materialize. I thought I would be more upset about it, but I've learned to rest in the uncertainty. Instead of beating my head against a closed door, I'm looking for the next option. I'm content to wait for it to come to me, as long as I feel I have done due diligence in making myself open to new ideas.

Where is my summer going? I don't know. I don't ride every day any more. I'm no longer a barn manager. My beloved horse is on a vacation that I think he may never come back from.

But I'm a licensed groom at the racetrack. I'm exploring friendships that I let slide before. I'm giving myself permission to step back and see what happens.

It's not what I planned on, not what I expected, certainly not what I wanted. But you know what? It's ok.