I'm Doing This

I feel like I should get a medal for surviving the past two months. October was hell, always is. I was out of town every weekend and I don't think I made it to the grocery store all month. I barely had time to think, much less exercise or read a book.

And then I got this crazy whim on November 2 and decided to do NaNoWriMo. Now I've won it two years in a row. That also means I spent all of November cramming 2000 words of original work into my available spare time every single day. I finished a few days early, and I'm happy with what I got for a first draft.

But now that's over. It's December. FREEDOM!!!

Which is to say, I want to go forward and focus on living intentionally. I know I can't do absolutely everything I want to, but I can map out my lifestyle in a way that moves me closer to achieving goals. Here are the things I want to focus on:

Exercise/athletic:
Goal: I want to be strong and flexible. I want to feel good about making progress in this area.
1) I want to get back into the regular habit of running, 3-4 days a week. My dogs need the exercise and I need the fitness.
2) I want to improve my core strength through targeted exercises. Again, I can take a few minutes 3-4 days a week and do Pilates exercises.

Intellectual/creative:
Goal: I want to nurture a mind that is quick and inventive. I want to engage the people around me and challenge them to think.
1) I want to read a book a month. I love reading and have a beautiful library, so it's just a matter of making time.
2) I want to actually publish my writing. I have a fourth draft almost ready to go and I'm working hard on making a second draft out of my latest effort. I can't do everything all the time, so I want to spend an hour on this, 3-4 days a week.

Home/Cooking:
Goal: I want to maintain a clean home in which Brent and I are comfortable living and entertaining on our budget.
1) Take one day a week completely away from the barn to clean, do laundry, and make the house a home.
2) Explore new recipes in the kitchen. Brent thrives on variety and I do like cooking, so try to make one new  or expanded meal a week, whether that's a whole new recipe or means putting in the extra effort for side dishes and salads.

That's a start, at least. I'm trying to keep my goals manageable and see how things go for a couple of months. I'm excited for this phase of life and looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish.

Doing Hard Things

I'm bad at emotions. To anyone who knows me, that's not really a surprise. I am a doer and fixer and worker, but when it comes to processing all that touchy-feely-weird crap, I really have no idea what to do. Most of the time, that's ok. I tend to only invest emotions into situations I care deeply about, and those are few and far between.

The past year and a half has been an exercise in processing emotions for me.

After a horrific trip to California last year, I realized I need to start all over in order to be the person I want to be. I had to address basic character deficiencies and learn to be strong enough to take the life I wanted. It was a humbling and wrenching experience, but I am thankful for it. I've come out stronger than I was before and happier with who I am as a person.

I'm finding myself in another difficult situation.

I've made the best decisions I can with the information I have at hand. I am confident that the decisions are in the best interests of everyone involved. I know that people I greatly respect and admire look down on me for those decisions.

And so again, I am dealing with those pesky emotions. I don't have a long road trip through Nevada to just sit and think things through, so I am forcing myself to use the time I have to directly address the issue. In order to move forward as a healthy, functioning adult, I have to determine why I feel this way and what I can do to change it or otherwise live with it.

I refuse to be emotionally crippled through the actions of people I cannot control. Instead, I am working backwards through the different threads of emotion and sorting out the tangle into something manageable. It doesn't come naturally to me and it isn't a pleasant process. I have to say things that I know are completely irrational, but accept them because they express an emotion that I'd rather not feel. I have to say "I blame X for this," even when I rationally know that it isn't X's fault.

I can't lie and say it's fun. Character building is the pits, no two ways about it. I will say that I know that once I'm through to the other side, I will again be a happier and stronger person, that much closer to the person that I want to be.

Thinking Ahead

My dad is an entrepreneur whom I respect greatly. I've spent most of my life working for small businesses run by intelligent, motivated people. My stint in a larger corporation was interesting, but not exactly inspiring.

I've always said that as much as I respect the entrepreneur ethic and lifestyle, I didn't want to join them. It's too much work, too much commitment, too much responsibility. I said I'd rather just toe the corporate line and take my check home than be so consumed by my work.

Problem: I am my father's daughter. I am strong, independent, and highly motivated. I am energized by things that challenge me. I am frustrated by the limitations of the system that is already in place. I want to try and do better. Maybe I'll succeed. Maybe I'll fail. I won't know until I find out.

It's scary to stand at the edge and look into the void beyond the material safety of paid labor. It's also exciting. It's time to get the pieces in place to strike out on my own.

Come what may.