Scrambling

So my car is done. Not worth fixing, not worth anything.

And then the brakes went out in my work truck while I was driving.

And that's just the ongoing car drama in my life.

I keep telling myself that I'm lucky. Everyone I love is healthy and well. I have a decent job and I can afford (sort of) to take a little time to figure this out. It's not the end of the world, not even close.

I'm working to develop a plan. I'm figuring out what my options are. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

So why do I just want to crawl into a hole and hide?

Open Doors

Going in to the water: not a good life choice

I have two dogs. The Corgi (Lewis) is the in-control, self-confident, cocky little guy who makes good decisions and has never met a dog that was bigger than him.

The Beagle (Chaucer) is sweet, but quite insecure and out of his element living in the city.

When we're at home, I sometimes want the dogs inside and sometimes want them outside. Frequently, it doesn't matter and they can do whichever they prefer.

When the weather is good, I just leave the back door open to let the sun and air in.

Lewis likes that. He can monitor the situation inside and outside. He comes in and goes out as it suits his needs.


Chaucer, who is bold and brave when he's doing his job (hunting), is completely befuddled by the "door wide open" problem. Every time he passes the door, whether he is inside or out, he stops and cries. Why? Because every time he sees it, he's forced to make a decision. Does he enjoy the sun outside? Does he go in and have a nap? What does his owner want? What does his corgi brother think? Is he missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

He just can't wrap his mind around the fact that an open door is just that. He can go through it. He can not. In the grand scheme of things, I love him either way and it doesn't matter.

As CS Lewis the author says, "You will serve God whether you want to or not. It matters to you whether you do it like Judas or like John."

Ownership

I read an article some months ago about allowing children to have autonomy over their bodies from a very young age. It sounds so basic when I say it like that, but the article talked about how forcing a child to touch/hug/kiss someone they didn't want to just reinforced that the child wasn't master of their body and left them easy prey to would-be molesters as well as harming their sense of identity.

I don't have a child, but I thought it was a great point. I didn't think much more about it until recently when I realized there was a corollary to that.

Just as a child should have authority over their body, so they shouldn't expect to have it over others. This obviously applies differently to parents vs everyone else in the world (tm), but children should not assume that someone wants to tough them/hold their hand/whatever.

It sounds like I'm over reacting until you try crossing out "children" and inserting something else.

Men should not assume that women want to be physically intimate with them.

>.<

It's the same concept. No human being should just assume that they can impose their body on another, whether they are 6 or 16 or 60.

Stuck

I've kept a personal blog since I was 15 or 16 and I always updated it regularly. It started out as fun stories and silly things and morphed into a way to track the life changes I went through and the person I'm becoming.

And here I am.

I haven't posted in a month.

I was glad to watch 2013 end. For all the wonderful things that happened last year, I got my fair share of terrible. I grew, I changed, I learned, I moved on. At least, I tried to.

The problem with moving on is that it's not always easy to walk away. I hung on to a personally devastating job situation for way too long because I wanted it to work and I wanted to be that person. There was carnage. I'm still burned out. My old horse will never be the same again. I've had to spend some serious time working on my relationships with people around me who I care about.

Part of me is so ready for this year. I want to see what comes. I want to live and learn and grow and change.

The other part of me isn't ready to move on. I'm tired and I'm worried and I don't like change.

There is no clean, neat ending.

It's just life. And it's not easy.